Monday, 10 November 2014

seven things I never imagined saying...

Yesterday, I was in the middle of telling my nine year old to get down from the top of the hedge and bring the dog with her, when I thought - this is one of those things I never imagined having to say. Which in turn reminded me of all the other sentences I never imagined saying over the years. Which led to this list! Seven things I never imagined saying:

1.  "What do you mean we crashed into an elephant?

Said right after the driver of my motorized rickshaw rear-ended an elephant on the motorway outside of Delhi. My driver then ranted for half an hour about how stupid it was for elephants to be on the highway without lights!
as you can see, they don't come with lights!

2. "I don't need to be strip searched, the only weapons I have are the spears."

This was followed closely by the line: "What the heck kind of weapon do you think I'm hiding up there?!"  I was deemed a high-jack risk on a South American airplane because I was carrying 8 foot spears in my hand luggage. I tried to explain that spears were not a stealth weapon and someone might notice if I charged the cockpit. Plus, they weren't even sharp!

I got my spears from a tribe I visited in the Amazon. They weren't as sharp as these ones!

3. "Don't sellotape your friend's eyebrows."

Followed by: "Don't rip it off!" and "Don't worry they'll grow back." Ahhh, teaching art to twelve year old boys...

4.  "No, I'm not wanted by Interpol."

UK police tracked me down to a hotel in Nepal, because I was a witness in an assault trial - poor conductor was attacked on a train I was on. The call caused chaos and I spent hours explaining to the hotel staff and local police that I was NOT an international criminal threat. Fun times...

5.  "If I was a spy, I'd make more effort to blend in!"

Said after I was detained by the military in Ethiopia on suspicion of spying for their neighboring country. All because I was stupidly taking photos in the wrong place. You may not know this, but Ethiopian women are stunning. They are uniformly tall, beautiful, brown and elegant. I pointed out that being short, chubby, pasty-white and anything but stunning meant I had a hard time blending in and made spying pretty hard. It was still a very long few hours.

6.  "Somebody get this donkey off of me!"

Again in Ethiopia. I tripped over in a crowded market and a donkey sat on me. Donkeys are damn heavy and it took ages for him to be removed because people were too busy laughing at me.
wonderful baskets in Ethiopia too!

7.  "No thanks, I don't want to ride in the back of the truck with the camel."

I got stranded in the middle of nowhere in Oman and a helpful man offered to let me ride in the back of his pickup alongside his camel. I waited for another offer! Have to say, loved Oman, very safe and friendly.

This isn't the truck that stopped. Camels in trucks are common in Oman. Go figure!

No doubt I'll remember more ludicrous things I've said through the years, but this is enough for now. :D

Tuesday, 7 October 2014

I'm giving away books...

Until the 6th November, I'm giving away 5 paperback copies of Goody Two Shoes through Goodreads. If you're interested, pop over there and put your name in the draw for a chance to win one of the copies. Good luck! :D

 click to go to giveaway
click to go to giveaway

Wednesday, 1 October 2014

Goody Two Shoes - Invertary Book Two - Out Now!

As most of you know, I've been ill this past year and unable to write. It's been a long time between books, but Goody Two Shoes, Invertary Book Two, is now available on Amazon! :) If you enjoyed Lingerie Wars, you should enjoy this too. I hope you'll have a look at it.

 Click to go to Goody on Amazon

Take one American singer who doesn’t believe in falling in love…

Josh McInnes’ biological clock is ticking and he wants to get married—now. After 20 years singing soppy love songs, he knows that there is no such thing as romantic love. There’s only hormones and lust. At thirty-five, he’s tired of his playboy lifestyle. He wants a wife who isn’t interested in fame, money, or romance. A sensible wife, who values commitment. He wants a partnership, a friendship, and none of the craziness that goes with falling in love. As far as he can see, there’s only one way to get exactly what he wants—he needs an arranged marriage.

…add a Scottish librarian who has given up on ever falling in love…

Caroline Patterson terrifies men. With her no-nonsense attitude, and ice queen demeanour, she’s in control of everything—and everyone—around her. Her sensible shoes and grey skirt suits act like a force field, repelling male attention. At thirty-one, she can’t remember the last time she went on a date and is beginning to think she’ll never have a family of her own. When an American stranger approaches Caroline with a marriage proposal that resembles a business contract, she quickly accepts. She doesn’t expect romance. But she does expect to control each and every detail of their lives together. Because as life has taught her—if you aren’t in control, bad things happen.

…and you get romance Invertary style!

Josh and Caroline learn the hard way that falling in love isn’t something you can avoid. And it definitely isn’t something you can control. Their well laid plans are about to degenerate into chaos, as they fall in love the Invertary way.

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

down memory lane..

Was trying to explain to my nine year old that when I was in primary school we didn't have computers. It was like trying to explain chaos theory to an ant! I don't often wander down memory lane, but thinking about what life was like for me at nine kept me entertained for quite some time. Here are some differences I found:

1. Mobile phone

If you wanted to talk to someone when you were out and about, this was your only option. Then you had to find one that worked and hope you had enough coins to last the conversation! If someone wanted to talk to YOU when you were out of the house - they waited until you got home! 

2. Computer games

You plugged this monster into your TV then killed the space ships, or made pacman eat everything in sight, or even more exciting - tennis! Oh, the hours I spent hitting a wee white line between two other wee white lines... Good times!

3. Listening to music

My first record was an Elvis Presley Christmas album. I scratched it within five minutes of trying to listen to it! My jungle book album was a favourite until my older sister stood on it and then it was goodbye king of the monkeys... Now we download music to our itty bitty MP3 players. Am I the only person on the planet who's freaked out that they can't SEE their music? I want to hold it, put it in a machine and play it. I miss LPs...

4. Watching TV

I remember fixing the reception on this by thumping it hard. Then there were the coat hanger aerial years...
All that effort to make sure we had access to all THREE channels! 

5. Black and white was cool

Champion the Wonder Horse! LOVED this show when I was a kid. Especially loved the theme song. This was back in the days when, even though we had colour TVs, we didn't mind watching black and white programmes. Now my kids think I'm nuts if I ask them to watch something that doesn't have colour. And if we go see a movie, they only want to come along if it's in 3D.

6. Hong Kong Phooey

Okay this is here for no reason other than I love Hong Kong Phooey. It was only on air for one season in the early 70s, but with repeats I think I watched it for about five years! After all, he is the number one super guy... :)

Right, that's it for my childhood walk down memory lane. It's time to get back to the present and my Invertary series. Goody Two Shoes should be on shelves - virtual and real - in about two weeks!!! (About time, I hear you cry!) :) And book three - Calamity Jean - is currently being written. Hopefully, now I'm well again, Calamity Jean shouldn't take too long to get to you.

Thanks again for all your patience! 

Friday, 5 September 2014

man vs magpie...

My husband's latest obsession is of the bird kind - at least he's moved on from cutting down trees. We couldn't afford to lose anymore buildings! Anyway, back to the bird. There's a magpie on our hill that keeps attacking Hubby. No matter what he does to deter it, the bird keeps coming back.

I don't get this. Almost every animal, and bug, in Australia can kill you, but they warn people about angry birds?!!
Where are the signs warning you about poisonous spiders that hide in your shoes???
(Sorry, I have PTSD from my last trip to Oz!)
I was going to post a movie of the ongoing fight between hubby and the magpie, but I can't get one without camera shake - I laugh so hard. It's pretty clear that the magpie is winning the war. Yesterday, the bird swooped my husband and flew away with his hat. The hat he'd painted with eyes to keep the bird away.

yes, there are eyes on the internet ready for you to print ...
Today, in an escalation, hubby borrowed an air rifle from the neighbour. He's spent the morning stalking the bushes taking pot shots at the bird. Our hill is very steep and pretty barren, my husband is easy to spot. I'm sure I heard the magpie laughing at him. With Hubby's army training it's just a matter of time before he loses the plot completely and I find him in camouflage gear with bits of bush stuck to him. It's definitely war. The entertainment value of that bird alone is priceless, so I'm rooting for the bird!

I've been looking up magpies on the internet - yes, I should be writing - and found that Australia has an epidemic of magpie attacks. Youtube is full of people filming themselves under attack. Big brave Aussies taking on the tiny wee birds. ;) You don't see them harassing the crocodiles like that... Anyway, here's one Aussie guy's solution:

I'm not showing this to my husband.
We have three cats. I can just imagine what Hubby would come up with using my cats and a roll of duct tape...

Okay, enough of this! I need to get back to work. Goody Two Shoes is days away from release. Thanks again to everyone who has been so patient with me while I've been ill this last year. It feels good to be writing again - even if it is about magpies! 

Sunday, 31 August 2014

Why you should read romance novels...

If you aren't already addicted to reading romance, here are 5 reasons why you should be! :)
1. It's cheaper than divorce
Seriously. If your husband is driving you nuts and you want to trade up, then get a book boyfriend! Not only is it a holiday for your brain, but being in happy land with the perfect man for a couple of hours actually makes you less likely to kill your husband in his sleep! :) It's a scientific fact...honest...

A good romance novel will avert this kind of disaster... :)

2. You can't gain weight from it

Unless you stuff your face with chips while you're reading! As far as I can tell there are four things that lift a woman's mood like no other. Chocolate, wine, sex and romance novels. Now the first two lead to wider hips and choices you'd rather forget. The third is dependent on someone else's schedule - usually!  But a romance novel is always available, never increases your hip size and is rarely a choice you will regret!

yes, they look good - but think of your hips! :)

3. Romance novels don't cause nightmares

You are  always guaranteed a happy ending that will put you to sleep with a smile on your face. I used to read a LOT of crime novels and found I was sleeping less and waking up screaming more. Now I sleep more and don't want to wake up from the yummy dreams full of men with perfect abs!

okay, so you choose which image you'd rather have in your head at bed time!

I know which one I would choose!
 (p.s. this is also the reason I watch Arrow!)       

4. You get to be obsessed in a group.
There are more groups for readers of romance than any other genre. More conferences where you can get together and talk about book boyfriends and hot scenes, without people calling the local asylum to come pick you up. More romance authors are readily available to their fans than any other author group - we love to talk to our readers. So the upshot is, not only do you get a great read, you get a community along with it!
 An ebook reader will help hide all those "special" covers that publishers think we love... :)

5. The books are brilliant!

There are more romance writers on the New York Times best selling list than any other genre. Trust me people, these writers know how to write! The quality is high. The happy ending is guaranteed. The heroes are to die for. What else do you need? Get started reading romance today! :)

now available on Amazon for 99 cents