Monday, 5 January 2015

some things that make me giggle...

For no reason whatsoever, here are some things that make me giggle! Happy 2015. Hope it's a great year for you. :)

1. The Australian army! (not the whole army, but this is funny!) ;)

2. William Shatner and literal thinking, what more could you want?!

3. The worst bank robbery ever - and it was in Scotland!

"Robbing a bank isn’t quite as easy as it might look in the movies. That said, the three men involved in the attempted Rothesay bank robbery of 1975 probably handled the situation in the absolute worst way possible.
Upon first entering the bank, the unarmed trio managed to get stuck in the revolving doors after trying to push them the wrong way. At this point, it wasn’t clear that they were robbers, and the bank’s staff kindly helped them out of the predicament. Shortly afterwards though, they returned and demanded five thousand pounds.
Unfortunately for the robbers, they caught the staff at a bad time, who were still laughing among themselves about the revolving door incident. They thought that the robbers were just playing a practical joke, and didn’t take the demands seriously. Puzzlingly, the ‘gang’ leader lowered the demand to five hundred pounds, which was met with further laughter. To show he was serious, the leader jumped over the counter, fell, and twisted his ankle. In a panic, the others ran out of the revolving doors… only to get stuck again in the exact same way."

4. The french munitions guy who took over the ammunitions dept as a protest to get his job back...

This one boggles the mind. Did he honestly think the government would say, "give that guy his job back, let him take care of all the weapons, he's so stable..."???!

5. Tattoos that haven't been spellchecked...

6. Some contemporary art.

Okay, so I know this is off the wall and most of you are just shaking your heads right now and wondering if I need some medication! But this work is hilarious and I love it. I first saw it in an exhibition of contemporary Italian art at the Tate Modern years ago. In the corner of the vast gallery, was a tiny scene with a squirrel who'd had enough. You have to wonder at the workings of a mind that finds a dead squirrel and thinks: "I know exactly what to do with that." !:)

7. Photography accidents...

8. Animal photobombs...

world's worst wildlife photographer??

9. spelling mistakes tickle my funny bone.

10. headlines that really should be checked before going to print.

That's it for now. Hope you had a great Christmas and New Year's. :D

Wednesday, 31 December 2014

new novella out today!!

Happy Hogmanay!! 

To celebrate the start of a brand new year (or the end of this one!) Magenta Mine is now available on Amazon.This is an Invertary novella and tells the story of the sarcastic Goth who works in Kirsty's lingerie shop. I hope you enjoy reading Magenta's story. There will be more from Invertary in the new year. In the meantime, happy reading! I hope you have a wonderful 2015. 

click to go to Amazon

Harry Boyle’s genius IQ has failed him. The alpha geek stupidly followed relationship advice from Invertary’s resident evil mastermind—eighty-seven year old Betty. That’s how he ended up trapped in an abandoned mine waiting to be rescued by his high school crush. The same crush he still loves. The one he’s come back to town to claim.

Magenta Fraser doesn’t want to be claimed—what is this? The Stone Age? The sarcastic Goth with a fondness for hitting first and asking questions later has been avoiding Harry. He’s her Kryptonite. Around him she loses her badass powers and becomes a pathetic giggling girl. As the local caving expert, she has no choice but to rescue the man. But that doesn’t mean she has to talk to him. Or touch him. Or do any of the other X-rated things that keep popping into her mind. All she has to do is resist him, rescue him and then run from him—before he uncovers her secret.

Monday, 10 November 2014

seven things I never imagined saying...

Yesterday, I was in the middle of telling my nine year old to get down from the top of the hedge and bring the dog with her, when I thought - this is one of those things I never imagined having to say. Which in turn reminded me of all the other sentences I never imagined saying over the years. Which led to this list! Seven things I never imagined saying:

1.  "What do you mean we crashed into an elephant?

Said right after the driver of my motorized rickshaw rear-ended an elephant on the motorway outside of Delhi. My driver then ranted for half an hour about how stupid it was for elephants to be on the highway without lights!
as you can see, they don't come with lights!

2. "I don't need to be strip searched, the only weapons I have are the spears."

This was followed closely by the line: "What the heck kind of weapon do you think I'm hiding up there?!"  I was deemed a high-jack risk on a South American airplane because I was carrying 8 foot spears in my hand luggage. I tried to explain that spears were not a stealth weapon and someone might notice if I charged the cockpit. Plus, they weren't even sharp!

I got my spears from a tribe I visited in the Amazon. They weren't as sharp as these ones!

3. "Don't sellotape your friend's eyebrows."

Followed by: "Don't rip it off!" and "Don't worry they'll grow back." Ahhh, teaching art to twelve year old boys...

4.  "No, I'm not wanted by Interpol."

UK police tracked me down to a hotel in Nepal, because I was a witness in an assault trial - poor conductor was attacked on a train I was on. The call caused chaos and I spent hours explaining to the hotel staff and local police that I was NOT an international criminal threat. Fun times...

5.  "If I was a spy, I'd make more effort to blend in!"

Said after I was detained by the military in Ethiopia on suspicion of spying for their neighboring country. All because I was stupidly taking photos in the wrong place. You may not know this, but Ethiopian women are stunning. They are uniformly tall, beautiful, brown and elegant. I pointed out that being short, chubby, pasty-white and anything but stunning meant I had a hard time blending in and made spying pretty hard. It was still a very long few hours.

6.  "Somebody get this donkey off of me!"

Again in Ethiopia. I tripped over in a crowded market and a donkey sat on me. Donkeys are damn heavy and it took ages for him to be removed because people were too busy laughing at me.
wonderful baskets in Ethiopia too!

7.  "No thanks, I don't want to ride in the back of the truck with the camel."

I got stranded in the middle of nowhere in Oman and a helpful man offered to let me ride in the back of his pickup alongside his camel. I waited for another offer! Have to say, loved Oman, very safe and friendly.

This isn't the truck that stopped. Camels in trucks are common in Oman. Go figure!

No doubt I'll remember more ludicrous things I've said through the years, but this is enough for now. :D

Wednesday, 1 October 2014

Goody Two Shoes - Invertary Book Two - Out Now!

As most of you know, I've been ill this past year and unable to write. It's been a long time between books, but Goody Two Shoes, Invertary Book Two, is now available on Amazon! :) If you enjoyed Lingerie Wars, you should enjoy this too. I hope you'll have a look at it.

 Click to go to Goody on Amazon

Take one American singer who doesn’t believe in falling in love…

Josh McInnes’ biological clock is ticking and he wants to get married—now. After 20 years singing soppy love songs, he knows that there is no such thing as romantic love. There’s only hormones and lust. At thirty-five, he’s tired of his playboy lifestyle. He wants a wife who isn’t interested in fame, money, or romance. A sensible wife, who values commitment. He wants a partnership, a friendship, and none of the craziness that goes with falling in love. As far as he can see, there’s only one way to get exactly what he wants—he needs an arranged marriage.

…add a Scottish librarian who has given up on ever falling in love…

Caroline Patterson terrifies men. With her no-nonsense attitude, and ice queen demeanour, she’s in control of everything—and everyone—around her. Her sensible shoes and grey skirt suits act like a force field, repelling male attention. At thirty-one, she can’t remember the last time she went on a date and is beginning to think she’ll never have a family of her own. When an American stranger approaches Caroline with a marriage proposal that resembles a business contract, she quickly accepts. She doesn’t expect romance. But she does expect to control each and every detail of their lives together. Because as life has taught her—if you aren’t in control, bad things happen.

…and you get romance Invertary style!

Josh and Caroline learn the hard way that falling in love isn’t something you can avoid. And it definitely isn’t something you can control. Their well laid plans are about to degenerate into chaos, as they fall in love the Invertary way.

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

down memory lane..

Was trying to explain to my nine year old that when I was in primary school we didn't have computers. It was like trying to explain chaos theory to an ant! I don't often wander down memory lane, but thinking about what life was like for me at nine kept me entertained for quite some time. Here are some differences I found:

1. Mobile phone

If you wanted to talk to someone when you were out and about, this was your only option. Then you had to find one that worked and hope you had enough coins to last the conversation! If someone wanted to talk to YOU when you were out of the house - they waited until you got home! 

2. Computer games

You plugged this monster into your TV then killed the space ships, or made pacman eat everything in sight, or even more exciting - tennis! Oh, the hours I spent hitting a wee white line between two other wee white lines... Good times!

3. Listening to music

My first record was an Elvis Presley Christmas album. I scratched it within five minutes of trying to listen to it! My jungle book album was a favourite until my older sister stood on it and then it was goodbye king of the monkeys... Now we download music to our itty bitty MP3 players. Am I the only person on the planet who's freaked out that they can't SEE their music? I want to hold it, put it in a machine and play it. I miss LPs...

4. Watching TV

I remember fixing the reception on this by thumping it hard. Then there were the coat hanger aerial years...
All that effort to make sure we had access to all THREE channels! 

5. Black and white was cool

Champion the Wonder Horse! LOVED this show when I was a kid. Especially loved the theme song. This was back in the days when, even though we had colour TVs, we didn't mind watching black and white programmes. Now my kids think I'm nuts if I ask them to watch something that doesn't have colour. And if we go see a movie, they only want to come along if it's in 3D.

6. Hong Kong Phooey

Okay this is here for no reason other than I love Hong Kong Phooey. It was only on air for one season in the early 70s, but with repeats I think I watched it for about five years! After all, he is the number one super guy... :)

Right, that's it for my childhood walk down memory lane. It's time to get back to the present and my Invertary series. Goody Two Shoes should be on shelves - virtual and real - in about two weeks!!! (About time, I hear you cry!) :) And book three - Calamity Jean - is currently being written. Hopefully, now I'm well again, Calamity Jean shouldn't take too long to get to you.

Thanks again for all your patience! 

Friday, 5 September 2014

man vs magpie...

My husband's latest obsession is of the bird kind - at least he's moved on from cutting down trees. We couldn't afford to lose anymore buildings! Anyway, back to the bird. There's a magpie on our hill that keeps attacking Hubby. No matter what he does to deter it, the bird keeps coming back.

I don't get this. Almost every animal, and bug, in Australia can kill you, but they warn people about angry birds?!!
Where are the signs warning you about poisonous spiders that hide in your shoes???
(Sorry, I have PTSD from my last trip to Oz!)
I was going to post a movie of the ongoing fight between hubby and the magpie, but I can't get one without camera shake - I laugh so hard. It's pretty clear that the magpie is winning the war. Yesterday, the bird swooped my husband and flew away with his hat. The hat he'd painted with eyes to keep the bird away.

yes, there are eyes on the internet ready for you to print ...
Today, in an escalation, hubby borrowed an air rifle from the neighbour. He's spent the morning stalking the bushes taking pot shots at the bird. Our hill is very steep and pretty barren, my husband is easy to spot. I'm sure I heard the magpie laughing at him. With Hubby's army training it's just a matter of time before he loses the plot completely and I find him in camouflage gear with bits of bush stuck to him. It's definitely war. The entertainment value of that bird alone is priceless, so I'm rooting for the bird!

I've been looking up magpies on the internet - yes, I should be writing - and found that Australia has an epidemic of magpie attacks. Youtube is full of people filming themselves under attack. Big brave Aussies taking on the tiny wee birds. ;) You don't see them harassing the crocodiles like that... Anyway, here's one Aussie guy's solution:

I'm not showing this to my husband.
We have three cats. I can just imagine what Hubby would come up with using my cats and a roll of duct tape...

Okay, enough of this! I need to get back to work. Goody Two Shoes is days away from release. Thanks again to everyone who has been so patient with me while I've been ill this last year. It feels good to be writing again - even if it is about magpies!